We Are Both the Darkness and the Light

It’s strange the things that set me off. The things that set off the struggle between my light side and my dark side. Rudeness. Littering. Being unkind. Entitled attitude. Laziness. Parents who swear at their young children.

But today what set me off was the mother of a middle school student who goes to school across the street from my house. She sat on my front step, smoked a cigarette, then dropped the cigarette butt at the bottom of my stairs. 

Sometimes I let stuff like that really get to me. My son and my husband have to remind me often to let it go. (Ian even sings ‘Let it go, let it go’ to me when things like this happen – thanks Frozen for a song that never dies!) When things like this happen, I sometimes feel like a totally different person – a darker, even slightly evil version of myself.

Does this sound familiar at all to you?

I guess I just think that if we were all positive, kind, and considerate to each other all the time, we’d all be happier, and the stress level and anger around us would subside – or at the very least be minimal.

But there is a dark side to everyone. Just like Yin and Yang, cold and hot, sweet and sour. You can’t have one without the other. (Did you know that it’s not ‘love vs hate’? I heard recently that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s fear. But I still believe hate lurks out there.)

Just like Luke Skywalker, we all fight against our dark side. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge the dark side in us, see what it can teach us, then say “Thanks for showing up, but I’m ok now.” Stop fighting so hard against it, after all, it’s there for a reason. It has a purpose.

Fighting against and denying any part of yourself can spell disaster for your health, happiness, and wellness. Ever hear of something called stress? Or maybe you’ve heard of ulcers? Don’t hurt yourself fighting against part of yourself.

When I let these things get to me, my heart hurts physically & I feel my chest tighten. I feel a bit of a shadow come over me – and I feel rage. Scary sometimes. And I hate admitting this.

My nature isn’t to be angry. My nature and inclination is to be upbeat, helpful, positive, & optimistic – that’s when I feel the lightest and happiest, and most like myself. I smile at strangers. I look up. We all seem to be looking down or away so much of the time, it’s nice to look up, smile as someone walks past, talk to your neighbor on the bus or the train, or even stop and speak to the homeless man you walk by every day. Ask him his name, tell him yours. 

Back to my dark side – and we know we all have one. Mine is triggered by rudeness or seeing someone being intentionally unkind or thoughtless. Like someone who leaves their cigarette butt at the bottom of your steps after sitting there to smoke – when they’ll walk right past a trash can on their way into the school. Feel free to sit on my steps but please for the love of Pete, take your damn trash with you!

This brings me to the children of the people like this. The people who I let get to me and cause me to go all dark and twisty. Our kids learn from watching us. If you throw your trash on the ground, your kids believe it’s ok for them to do the same. If you’re rude to the bus driver or the server when your kids are with you, what do you think they’ll do when they are older? Teach them kindness and respect for others while standing up for themselves, that’s a gift that keeps on giving.

If you scream obscenities at your 3 year old to shut the F*#k up on the bus and to act their age, how will they treat others? Their own kids? And by the way, they are acting their age. Kids haven’t learned yet how to deal with their own anger, or sadness, or tiredness. Help them learn how to cope. And, help them understand that it’s ok to have a dark side. It’s ok to be sad, or angry, or frustrated sometimes.

It really is ok. Not just for the kids, but for us adults too.

How are you fighting against your own dark side? How can you learn to see the beauty or value in your own moments of embracing the dark?

I read a book years ago, “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers” by Debbie Ford. Honestly, I don’t remember a ton from the book and should read it again, but I remember the thought that everyone has one, that we should learn to recognize that side of our being, and that not accepting that part of yourself will only cause that side to pop up more and more. It’s like your right hand fighting against your left hand.

“What you can’t be with, won’t let you be.” -Debbie Ford

Find ways to let the dark side of you be a part of you that you love and accept. When you feel angry or upset or want to tell the world to go f*&k itself. Sometimes simply saying “Hey, I see you and understand that you’re upset about that woman who just dropped her cigarette butt on the ground, and everything’s going to be ok” will calm that part of you. And you’ll feel better. At least I will. Maybe.

The dark side and our fears are there for a reason – maybe to protect you or make you more empathetic. Don’t fight it, look for the reasons you’re feeling those feelings. Forgive yourself for having a dark side.

And truthfully, you do sometimes just have to sing “Let it go, let it go” after you see the dark side and acknowledge it. Just be prepared for that song to be stuck in your head for a while. Thanks again Frozen.