How to talk to yourself so you’ll listen

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There’s a book written for parents called “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen…And Listen So Kids Will Talk” by Adele Faber. I read it a long time ago when my daughter was in middle school. The book gave me some ideas of ways to communicate with a pre-teen and teen girl that I hadn’t considered. What struck me though is that we don’t really know how to talk to ourselves in a way that is loving and constructive – instead, we tend to use self-talk that is guilt-ridden, self-deprecating, and full of shame.

We are kind and compassionate to friends when they experience loss, or failure, and even when they really screw up. We’re there for them, cheering them on and telling them they will get thru – that they aren’t a failure or that they deserve better.

But what happens to that compassionate talk when we feel like we’ve failed at something? Or we’ve gone through a divorce? Or even something as silly as eating a cookie or some ice cream when we’re trying to stick to a new way of eating?

We aren’t always kind and compassionate to ourselves and that’s not how it should be. We all go through challenges in life, you name it and I bet somebody else has gone through the same thing in the past. Or they’re going through it right now. We’re rarely the only person to ever fail or falter.

Recently, I talked to my nephew and we talked about how it feels when you realize that someone you thought ‘had it all together’ feels as if they’re a failure at life. It makes you realize that you’re not the only one who can feel this way. You realize that most people have moments when their life can feel out of control. And we all have stuff in our past that helps to keep these feelings going in your mind.

Perspective can be the key.

When you’re a child, the things you say to yourself and to others about yourself are positive, sometimes even glowing. ‘I can do anything!’ ‘I’m the best dancer in my class!’ ‘I’m everybody’s friend!’

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You dream big and aren’t afraid to do so. Nothing feels insurmountable.

Then, as we gain life experience and start getting ‘feedback’ from others (teachers, parents, friends, colleagues) we begin to stop saying the kind things to ourselves. We stop telling ourselves that we can do anything, be anything, overcome anything. It’s the failures or mistakes we begin to focus on, and that’s when we start telling ourselves things that aren’t the kindest or most compassionate. And we start to believe them.

Nearly everyone I know, including myself, has some common themes on repeat in our head. Mine are usually things like “You’re not smart enough to do that.” “Why would anyone believe you can help them?” “No one will love you if you do that.” “You’re too fat, or too ugly, or too old.”

I’m learning to quiet those thoughts when they creep into my internal dialogue – but boy does it take practice and consistency!

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A friend of mine once gave me a book – “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” by Shad Helmstetter. It was a long time ago, and at the time I didn’t realize how important what I say to myself is. But, I do remember thinking that if I were talking to a friend or loved one I’d never say some of the things I said to myself.

What are the loops in your head that aren’t serving you? The things you say to yourself, sometimes on repeat, that are unkind?

One of my key loops is “You don’t know enough.” Which is a load of crap. (It’s akin to “I’m not good enough” which is another oldie but goodie!)

I’ve studied health coaching for over 7 years, taking every class and workshop I can get my hands on or choose to attend. I attended an intensive year-long health coaching course to become a certified health coach. I’ve taken courses on exponential transformation coaching, meditation, holistic healing, breath work, natural healing, dealing with trauma – the list is endless. I’ve read over 200 books on diet, lifestyle changes, fitness, brain health, mindfulness, raising children who thrive, etc.

So, when that old voice says “You don’t know enough.” I can truthfully call BS. Then I remind myself how much I know and how many people I’ve helped – including myself.

What are you saying to yourself that isn’t positive? What are you saying to yourself that you wouldn’t say to your friend or your child?

Now, what will you say to yourself instead?

Here’s my challenge to you:

Make a list of the things you say to yourself. Try to think of all of them. Then go through your list and write out the reasons that these things you tell yourself aren’t actually true. I’m sure you can think of a multitude of reasons why they aren’t true anymore. They may have been true ONCE in your lifetime, or maybe a few times. You’re remembering those times. Your body is remembering those times.

Then, for each of those old things you’d say, write out what you’re going to say to yourself instead. If your old loop said something like mine – “I don’t know enough” instead you might say “I have spent my life learning.” Or “I’m a wealth of knowledge.”

Talk to yourself so that you’ll listen. What you say really matters – make it count.

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